I have tried so hard. My whole life.
I have been blessed compared to most.
16 yr old mom
Alcoholic dad
But they loved me
Huge family. 33 first cousins just on my mom's side.
It all just came so easy to me.
I breezed through high school.
Went to a great college in Boston. No idea how my mom managed that.
Never had a pot to piss in, but didn't know I was really missing a pot.
Always had what I needed I guess.
BS Aerospace Engineering. Why engineering? My 10th grade architectural drawing teacher told me I'd be good at it. That was enough for me. I always seemed to take the path of least resistance.
Bought a one way plane ticket to SoCal with the first $200 I earned washing dishes at an ice cream parlor after I graduated.
Had to lie to the manager to get the job. Why would they hire a recent grad with a BS in Engineering for a dishwasher job.
I couldn't wait to leave. I don't know why. My life was nice. OK.
Like I said, never wanted for anything.
And from that point on, it all just seems to be a blur.
I packed everything I had (honestly I don't remember at all how that happened, but I am sure it was packed in an old hockey bag, and my 3 pairs of pants and few shirts)
I am 58. So that was 36 years ago.
I have 5 kids (fathered 4, 1 step).
Moved to SoCal, lived with my larger than life uncle J. Love and hate him, he was a force of nature.
Lived near the marine base at El Toro. No car.
But wtf, I was in Cali.
But, no car. Hard to apply for jobs in 1990 with no way to get to the interviews.
After a month or two, my cousin asked me to come visit NorCal, East Bay.
She was considerably older than me (like an aunt). She babysat me when I was young.
She paid for me to fly up (I had no money)
It was amazing. East Bay Cali in 1990. Beautiful weather, beautiful people.
She said I could stay and live with her and her family, my uncle Jack, and their 2 young kids.
I jumped at the chance. They had a house, food, and cars. Don't get me wrong, I loved them very much, and was very grateful. But this was a much better situation.
I remember being there for a few weeks, and having an odd feeling. I couldn't put my finger on it.
It was sunny ALL THE TIME. And hot. Boston wasn't.
And the biggest thing I think I noticed was, no fights.
None.
Never.
In Boston, you went to a bar, a party, the park. And someone was pissed at someone else for something fucking stupid and usually came to blows.
Now, I wasn't a fighter, only 1 in my life and hated it. But I was around it a lot. Too much.
My cousin had some friends that got me my first waiter job. Making pretty good $. No real bills. I was living the high life.
They even helped me get a job in the Embarcadero in SF. Nuclear Piping Analysis.
$32,600/year and a Diners Club card. Never had a credit card before.
I worked in the city for a year. Waited tables at night in the East Bay. White table cloth.
Tableside prep.
Closed the bars after work (never had $ in college, so never spent much time in bars - it was all engineering school frat parties, if that tells you anything, it was great)
The company I worked for was so big they actually had commuter vans they would let you buy seats on, that would pick you up in the East Bay and drive you to the Embarcadero. BART or the drive would have been brutal.
So I would work 7-5 in the city. Take the van back to the East Bay, it would drop me off at the restaurant, work until close, go out and spend my tips until the bar closed. Sleep til 5, and meet the van at a local bar parking lot that opened at 6 for the night crew.
The people on the van thought I was a narcoleptic. I slept every minute I was on that van. I would get on at 6am and wake up in the parking lot at 6:50. Then after work, I would be asleep by 5:10, and wake up in the parking lot of the restaurant at 6pm, work until close and then close the bars at 2am. Rinse, repeat. Oh what glorious days lol.
Looking back, that is a skill I wish the 58 year old me still had. The ability to SLEEP like you had no worries in the world. Nowhere to go and all day to get there.
I was a rockstar at both. Barely out of college working with 20 year vets on in depth nuclear platforms.
It was a blur.
I was 24. Did a couple of stints in Alabama, working on a refuel project at a nuc power plant. Made HUGE $. $100k (in 1992 - wtf). Worked 60-70 hours a week, but who cares. I was young and invincible.
And, here was a pivotal time, where some guidance in my life would have been helpful.
I was blessed (or cursed) with being attractive. Enough so that I had some modeling agencies approach me. The bright, level headed engineer would have politely discussed and declined, but the loner I was drank the koolaid.
I got paid off (temporarily, all I had to do was wait a couple months for a new project). But no, instead I took an offer to move to Dallas and model. No guarantees, no plan. $10k in the bank (I was rich as far as I had thought).
I never worried about anything. Things just always worked out.
And they did, until they didn't.
I got the entrepreneur bug when I was in Dallas. 26 yrs old. Pregnant girlfriend. No money, no family, no job.
I was always blinded by the idea that great ideas and hard work led to success.
And it did, until it didn't.
I guess that might be the biggest lesson I learned (and am still learning) in my life.
I had the pleasure and misfortune of being in Dallas in the mid 90s. Deep Ellum, AudioNet, Broadcast.com, Mark Cuban.
I was there. Touched it and tasted it.
And had some success.
And it worked out, until it didn't.
A bad partner.
A bad contract.
Bad timing.
Bad decisions.
Every great idea, great opportunity, sure thing, can't miss, all had an expiration date.
I have used a saying for a long time. I'm pushing this rock up this hill. At some point, it will level out, and the stress and strain of life will subside.
And it does, until it doesn't.
I am 58, and I'm still pushing this rock up this hill. In that time, I've had 3 patents and taken a company public. And I still think I see the plateau, the point it will all make sense.
I even had an ex wife tell me that I was unrealistically optimistic.
I took it as a compliment at the time.
But now, I'm not so sure. At 58, being optimistic seems short sighted, and even conceited.
I am fortunate (or cursed) that I still wake up every day and feel invigorated, but the pressure seems to grow every year. The guilt, the shame. For not making the right decisions. For not living up to my potential. For not being the role model and figure I think I should be for my kids.
Now my babies have babies. I have 4 (soon to be 5) grandbabies. My wife had brain surgery. My brother has cirrhosis. My mom's husband has Alzheimer's.
It all seemed so much easier before.
I wish I could tell the young me to pay more attention. To take care of the little things. Don't stress on the little things, but take care of them.
My journey is far from over. And I feel blessed because I honestly think my best days are still ahead of me.
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